


Black ink and Cornflower fields

by Lewkash



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, renmin, tattoo artist x florist au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-04 16:39:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14024346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lewkash/pseuds/Lewkash
Summary: chapter warnings: none





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: none

Renjun moved to a new place for the first time. He was all by himself. He didn’t know anyone yet and he didn’t have family here because that’s what he moved away from. His family started disliking him for choosing art as a career, disliked him even more when he came out as gay, and told him to get out when he wanted to be a tattoo artist. 

His family didn’t know he had tattoos already. They would disown him if they found out. Renjun had gotten so impatient with getting tattoos that he explored the method of Stick n’ Poke tattooing. He poked small designs into his own left arm. He had a small moon right below his thumb, and a few planets, comets and aliens on his lower arm. They weren’t perfect but he loved the aesthetic of them. 

This was Renjun’s last long bus ride. He had gotten everything settled and was ready to start a new life. He felt nervous as he stepped out of the old bus and onto the graveled road. No blue sky but no rain. Just a white shield of clouds. He took in the fresh scent of the flower fields by the bus stop before he started his walk to his new apartment. 

He opened the door to the complex and pressed the button for the elevator. He would usually take the stairs but he had his last, heavy bag of clothes slung over his shoulder so he didn’t bother. He brushed his long, brown bangs out of his face as he stepped out on the fourth floor. He had a total of three days to settle everything before he either started working at a warehouse or had to go job hunting again. 

Renjun got the job. He took the early shifts so he could get the evenings off to explore his new home. He had his shifts with a boy his age, Donghyuck was his name. Donghyuck was wild fellow, a shift was never boring with him around. The boys bonded quick. When Donghyuck found out that Renjun’s dream job was a tattoo artist, he got very excited. He told Renjun that his friend was an errand boy at the local tattoo parlor and that they were allowed to hang out there because the owners and workers of it were pretty chill. 

That became their routine. Warehouse in the day, tattoo parlor in the evenings. Renjun loved it. He made greater friends here than he ever did where he was raised, he felt like he could be more himself and people wouldn’t hate him for existing. 

Renjun, Donghyuck and his friend Mark were sitting in a backroom of the parlor. They were playing cards to pass time until closing. The parlor closed in an hour, at the same time the flower shop across the street closed. 

“Alright boys, you either get out or help Mark with cleaning!” Taeyong shouted from the other side of the wall.

“Hehe. Bye Mark.” Donghyuck grabbed Renjun’s arm and were headed out. “Hey! You fuckers help me next time!” Mark screamed after them. “Deal!” Donghyuck and Renjun responded in unison. They laughed it off but felt bad for ditching Mark like that. They started walking down the street.

“Oh, hold up.” Donghyuck stopped in his tracks and held on to Renjun. “Have you met anyone else outside from me, Mark and the tattoo people yet?” 

Renjun shook his head. It’s been two weeks of living here and he hadn’t really thought about it. 

“Well damn then. You’ll meet people with time. I can tell you about Jaemin though, who works there. Weird we haven’t met him yet. You’ve probably seen him around.” Donghyuck pointed at the flower shop across the street. 

Renjun noticed a ginger haired boy sweeping the floors, through the plant filled windows. Renjun smiled, the boy looked peaceful. He seemed happy where he was. He had a little groove to his sweeps, almost as if he was dancing a little.

“Alright, enough creeping. I’ve got to go. See you later.” Donghyuck’s words sent Renjun back to reality. Did he really zone out staring at a stranger?

Renjun lingered in his spot for a while, pondering if he should go and talk to the boy. He decided he didn’t want to disturb the boy’s cute dancing or to get him in trouble for slacking on the job. 

Renjun walked the short way back to his apartment. The image of the ginger never leaving his mind. He didn’t even see him close and he already daydreamed about him? Renjun knew he was a lost cause. He didn’t even know how the town accepted queers. He decided to text Donghyuck about it.

“Hey uh. How is this town with queer people?” Renjun facepalmed. That is not a normal question to ask. 

“Haha! It’s pretty chill to be honest. I’m pretty sure the queer teens outnumber the straight ones, why you asking?”

Renjun let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. He felt relieved that this town was accepting and full of queers. Maybe he had a shot at feeling ‘normal’ for once. 

“Good. I’m gay so I needed to make sure if it was a safe place or nah.” It felt weird being so open, back where he used to live he had to hide his queerness as much as he could. 

“Awesome. I’m pansexual myself. I’m not really sure about Mark. Good news for you, Jaemin- the flower dude, I don’t know if you remember him, is gay too.” 

Renjun let out a mini-screech. He got so excited over people being queer and he had no idea why. 

“All my ‘friends’ back home were so straight they felt like another species.” 

He sighed as he thought back. It wasn’t even a month ago that that used to be his everyday life, yet it seemed to be ages ago. He had to hide every single thing about him. He couldn’t show off his art because people would bash him and saying it’s a waste of time as he would never make money doing it. He couldn’t tell anyone that he was gay because he’d probably be sent to a conversion camp. 

He arrived at his apartment and went up the stairs. When he got inside he was so tired that he just wanted to throw himself on the bed but his rumbling stomach had other plans. He opened his fridge and sighed, absolutely nothing. He had a half empty carton of apple juice in the door. He facepalmed, getting mad at himself for being so bad at easy tasks. 

Another meal at the 24-hour fast food diner it is. He checked the clock, 11PM. Damn. He had never been out in town alone this late before. He grew nervous but pushed it to the back of his head. He grabbed a denim jacket and threw on a beanie, checked his looks in the mirror one last time before grabbing the apartment keys and heading out. 

The late night breeze hit his face as he exited the building, he snuggled his nose deeper in the knitted scarf wrapped around his neck. The diner was a good twenty-minute walk from his apartment. He didn’t mind it much, nature was a big inspiration for him and his art. He was a big night sky enthusiast as well. He would stop and stare if he found a star a little out of the ordinary. Nature was so satisfying to him. 

The walk felt longer than it was and almost creepy with the dark night. He thanked the town for having street lights the entire way or else he’d have shat his pants by now. The forest behind the flower fields seemed so menacing, anything could come out of it any second. 

He reached the diner and walked inside. He was met with a warmer atmosphere and the sound of calm jazz music playing at low volume through the speakers on the wall. There weren’t many people here at this hour, it was soothing and quiet. 

He was about to sit in a corner booth alone when a familiar voice called his name from behind him.

“Renjun!”

It was Mark. Renjun turned around and greeted him with a bright smile. He froze as he was met with the face of someone he had never seen but the stranger’s hair color seemed familiar for some reason he could not find. 

“Come sit, come sit.” Mark waved him over. 

Renjun took a seat on the opposite side of the two boys. “Hey guys.”

The boy with the familiar hair stuck his hand out. “I’m Jaemin.” 

Renjun shook his hand and greeted him. It was him. Renjun already loved his smile and he had seen it once. It was like a radiating sun, minus all the things that could kill, of course. 

“Wow. So polite.” Mark teased but was met with a kick under the table from Renjun and a hit to the shoulder from Jaemin. 

The boys ordered their food and fooled around while waiting for it. 

“I’m honestly only here because I didn’t have anything at home. I legit only had half a carton of apple juice in my fridge.” Renjun propped his elbow on the table, pointing his fork at them while he talked.

“Wow. You seem responsible enough to live on your own.” Donghyuck teased and was met with a glare.

“Damn, you moved here alone? Lucky. I’m stuck at my mom’s. She lets me work in the flower shop though so at least I earn some money. But living alone? Damn, I wanna do that.” 

Renjun found Jaemin’s often use of ‘damn’ cute. Renjun mentally punched himself, it was too early to find someone cute. It’s literally only been half an hour since he met him. 

The boys talked about everything and nothing as they ate.

“I love nature. You discover something new about it every day. I find most of my art inspiration from there too. And space! I fucking love space, it’s so fascinating. Stars are really pretty.” Renjun was happy that someone was interested in hearing what he’s passionate about, to learn and not to judge.

“Nature? Flowers?” Jaemin shot up. His eyes shining at the mention of the topic. 

“Flowers are cool. I know nothing about them though.”

“I can show you some day! We could go for a walk and I’ll tell you about the flowers we see.” 

Renjun was a little surprised by the sudden invitation but he agreed without thinking much about it. 

“Ew, flowers. Ew, that’s gay. Ew, walks.” Mark said in a high-pitched voice with a fake disgusted face. 

“Like you aren’t a bit gay yourself. I’m just showing the new guy around town dude.” Jaemin laughed.

They all laughed as they finished up their food and headed outside. 

“This was fun. I’m glad I found out my fridge was empty at eleven pm now. Just need to remember to actually buy groceries from now on.”

“Good idea.” Mark agreed as he pulled his bike up from off the ground. 

“See you around.” Mark said as he biked away. 

“Yeah, my mom’s here to pick me up.” Jaemin told Renjun as they stood outside the diner. It was an awkward silence now that Mark was gone.

“Ok. I guess I’ll start walking then.”

“Wait! Where do you live?” Jaemin stopped in his tracks, holding the car door open.

“Uhm, around the corner of the tattoo shop.”

Jaemin leaned down to talk with his mother before looking up again, resting his head on his hand that held the door.

“We’ll give you a ride.” 

“Oh, you don’t nee—” Renjun didn’t even get time to finish his protest before a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the backseat of the car.

Renjun found himself blushing as he stared out of the window. His face was heated and he felt awkward. He didn’t talk much but he listened to Jaemin’s small talk with his mom, they had a cute relationship. 

The car stopped right outside his building. 

“Uh, Thanks for the ride.” He mumbled and opened his car door.

“No problem, sweetie. Anytime.” Jaemin’s mom waved him goodbye.

Jaemin didn’t say anything. 

Renjun’s eyes locked with Jaemin’s as he backed out of the car. Jaemin winked and showed off his beautiful smile again. 

Renjun smiled shyly before closing the door and entering his building. He leaned against the railing of the old elevator as it started going up. His face felt like it was burning. Did that really happen? Why the hell did he wink? Renjun went to his apartment door and fished out the key from his pocket. He was so flustered after what happened that he dropped them and cursed at himself. 

Renjun decided to sketch some plants before he went to sleep. He doodled a few succulents before writing something on the bottom of the page.

Note to self: Stop agreeing to everything. 

Renjun already regretted agreeing to the walk as he felt nervous only thinking about it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: mentions of selfharm

Jaemin and Renjun walked along the gravel-path, a few houses on one side and endless fields of flowers with a forest in the distance on the other. Only sounds audible were the occasional engine of a passing car, the birds up above and the calming crunch of the gravel beneath their feet.

They walked in silence, it was on the verge of being awkward. It was the silence of not really knowing each other much but it was comfortable at the same time because they enjoyed each other’s company.

Renjun scratched the corner of his eye with his thumb.

“Woah, Is that a real tattoo?” Jaemin noticed the half-moon on Renjun’s thumb.

Renjun giggled shyly. He stuck out his arm and pulled back the sleeve of his denim jacket as he showed off the few tattoos he had

“Yeah, it’s real.”

Jaemin stopped in his tracks and grabbed Renjun’s arm, pulling it closer to himself to inspect the designs.

“They’re really pretty. They suit you. I don’t know why but I love that moon and the placement of it.” Jaemin rubbed his own thumb over the tattoo, admiring it.

“Oh, thanks. I did them myself.”

Renjun felt himself heat up, finding it difficult to find the right words to say as Jaemin was so close to him.

“Really? Damn, that’s awesome. You’re talented as hell.” Jaemin smiled a big toothy smile.

“Thank you. I could do one on you too if you want.” Renjun laughed, he turned his head a bit to try and hide the blush growing on his cheeks.

Renjun thought Jaemin had dropped his hand so he hung it to his side, only for it to be dragged a little. Jaemin had intertwined their fingers and continued walking as if he had done nothing.

Jaemin quickened his phase and was a few steps in front of Renjun, getting excited as the path entered the flower fields. A light blue shade on top of green grass now covering both their sides. The sound of cars becoming more distant.

“Do you know what flowers these are?” Jaemin turned around and walked backwards in front of Renjun, while still holding hands.

“Uh, blue ones?” Renjun really had no clue about flowers. He only knew succulents as they were easy and fun to draw.

Jaemin laughed.

“Well, you’re not wrong. They are blue. They’re Cornflowers! My favorite flower.”

“Your favorite? With you being a florist and all, I expected your favorite to be some exotic, rare flower with a name I’d never be able to pronounce.” Renjun admitted.

“Wow! Stereotyping, are we?” Jaemin raised an eyebrow, teasing.

“What? No.”

Jaemin laughed as he continued walking. Renjun had no idea where they were headed but he didn’t care. This was peaceful. He was never one for long walks but it was very inspiring.

The wind was picking up because of the open space of the blue fields. Jaemin pulled his hoodie over his head and Renjun did the same with the yellow one he had underneath his denim jacket.

“Why did you move anyway? Out here, of all places I mean.” Jaemin asked.

Renjun thought. Should he be honest? Should he tell the full reason already? He doesn’t know if he can trust Jaemin yet.

“Oh, uhm. I just wanted to get away. Me and my family aren’t exactly on good terms.” He smiled awkward and toyed with the strings of his hoodie.

“Oh, okay. That’s very understandable. Well, I’m on good terms with my mom but she can get a bit much from time to time, you know? A bit too overprotective. I’m jealous of you. You’re your own boss, you can almost do literally what the hell you want.” His tone lower than usual.

“I wouldn’t say that. I still need to follow all the rules.”

“Yeah but you can get tattoos! You have tattoos! Argh, I’m just— I envy you.”

“Don’t. I’m really not that great.” Renjun chuckled it off. Feeling awkward with all the praise he got. He appreciated it but it was a bit much.

The boys entered the forest and the gravel got exchanged with the greens and browns of the dirt and plants. The silence falling over them, once again.

Renjun thought of something and smirked,

“You know, you could get a tattoo. Just a small one. In a spot where your mother can’t see it unless it’s literally shown to her. I’ll do it, I won’t promise it to be a masterpiece but I can do simple stuff.” 

Jaemin’s face lit up. “Are you for real?” He smiled at him with anticipation.

“Yes, of course I am. As long as you don’t tell anyone that I did it for free. Especially not to the folks at the tattoo shop. Not even Mark, or even Donghyuck.” Renjun grabbed Jaemin’s shoulders, staring into his eyes to make sure he got it.

Jaemin nodded. “Alright. No problem. Why not though? I’d love to show it off whatever it’ll be.” He smirked a little, followed by a short laugh.

“Because it can fuck up my chance to work at the tattoo shop in the future. It could be our little secret too. A little thing only we know is there.”

Jaemin sat down on a shabby, home-made swing that hung from a thick branch on a tree.

“A shared secret you say? Shouldn’t we know some of each other’s secrets before sharing one?” Jaemin said in a sly tone.

“Uh. I guess you’re right. You tell one first.” Renjun sat down on a big rock that sat a little to the side of the swing.

“I once stole a chocolate bar or three from the bakery.” Jaemin shrugged.

“I’ve done that too. Hmm, I used to steal art supplies from school whenever I got the chance. Everything from pencils, to paint brushes, to glue and paper.” Renjun confessed.

“Woow, What a thug.” Jaemin teased.

Renjun threw a pebble at him.

“Well, I can’t think of anything else so uh, I’m a virgin.” Jaemin shrugged again.

“Me too.” Renjun confirmed. He thought about another secret, nothing came to mind. He glanced down at his arms and remembered. He panicked and blurted what was on his mind, “I used to selfharm.”

Regret hitting him in an instant for saying that and got up, ready to leave the area. He turned around, back facing Jaemin as he stared at the ground.

“Renjun…” His voice low and soothing. “It’s okay. I won’t judge you. Plus, you said ‘used to’. That’s a good thing. I know we don’t really know each other much but I’m here for you. Whatever it is, whenever you need me.” He said as he got up from the swing and approached Renjun.

“I guess.” Renjun whispered, he didn’t dare to speak louder because he knew his voice would break and he’d start to cry. He had never told anyone that, he felt pathetic for blurting it to someone who was a stranger just a few days ago. He felt weak.

Jaemin walked around him so he was in front of Renjun.

“You’re better now. You’re healing. I believe in you. You’re great. You’re strong.” Jaemin grabbed and held Renjun’s hands as he told him the comforting words.

Renjun inhaled and exhaled deeply, controlling his emotions because it was too early for a breakdown and Jaemin was right. He was better, he was healing.

“I’m sorry for being so emo.” Renjun smiled a broken smile.

“Don’t be. I’m glad you were honest. You can trust me and I can trust you, ok?”

Renjun nodded.

Jaemin stepped closer and let go of his hands, only to wrap them around him seconds later. He patted him on the back, to ensure him that the secret was safe with him.

It hurt Jaemin hearing those words. Renjun was already such an amazing human in his eyes, he didn’t get why someone like Renjun would do something like that. Jaemin was not going to run away though, he would be there and support Renjun. Help him with whatever struggles he may face.

“Thanks, Jaemin. You are the first person I’ve told. I have no idea why I did that.” Renjun confessed.

“No problem. Thank you for telling me.”

The conversation was followed by silence. A bit awkward where they stood but not unbearable.

–

Renjun has never been happier for as long as he can remember. Him and the boys were at the local arcade. They were having a small air hockey tournament. Mark had already lost against Jaemin and Renjun lost against Donghyuck. They were on the final round of Donghyuck vs. Jaemin. Renjun stood by Jaemin’s side and cheered him on, while Mark was Donghyuck’s hypeman.

Jaemin jumped and hit the puck with full force, scoring the final goal and winning against Donghyuck. He bounced with happiness and grabbed Renjun by the waist and lifted him up in a state of hyperactivity. They all laughed and Renjun had to hold on the table to not fall over as he lost his balance when he got put down again. Donghyuck saw what happened and gave Renjun a thumbs-up, receiving the middle finger in return.

They played the motorbike-racing games and a few claw machines before deciding that the dance machine would be the last task of the day as it started getting late.

“This. This I can do.” Jaemin took off his jacket and hung it on the metal railing behind the minigame. Subconsciously Renjun took the jacket and held it himself, not really thinking about what he was doing. Renjun had never smiled so much in years, his face was aching from smiling too much and his stomach was hurting from too much laughter. It felt good, this was the sort of pain Renjun would enjoy more than what he had in his old town.

Mark was Jaemin’s dancing opponent. He confessed to already giving up before the game even started. This heightened Renjun’s expectations for Jaemin’s dancing as he had so far only seen the swaying he did when he swept the floor of the flower shop.

Although Jaemin couldn’t show off many moves during the game Renjun was still impressed. Jaemin was so light footed and quick at reacting, his movements smooth and had a great flow even without a proper routine or ability to dance freely.

Mark lost by giving up when the pace picked up, Jaemin still giving his all even when Mark just sat down on the floor on his side of the machine.

Jaemin was out of breath when the round finished. He high fived all of them and laughed at himself. “I get too into dancing sometimes, even more with games.”

Renjun offered him to share the drink he had gotten for himself earlier, Jaemin accepted without hesitating. He winked jokingly at Renjun as he sucked on the straw.

Renjun waved his hand and looked away, almost embarrassed by it. Jaemin really had no shame, he was having fun. Renjun had to admit, he was a big sucker for it.

–

“So, How did your date— I mean, walk, go?” Donghyuck commented as he folded cardboard boxes. It was their first shift after the eventful weekend.

“It went fine? I learnt more about flowers and he showed me more around, especially the forest and the wilderness out here.” The first part of Renjun’s sentence sounded like a question, surprise clear in his tone as he didn’t expect Donghyuck to ask that.

“And it wasn’t a date you shithead!” Renjun commented as he sorted the folded cardboard into their own boxes for storage.

“Yeah, right. By what Mark told me when you met them at the diner, you and Jaemin got so into each other that he felt like a third-wheel.” Donghyuck teased and pointed fingerguns at Renjun.

“Oh wow! Well yeah, we might’ve gotten a bit excited but that was because we had a mutual interest in nature.” Renjun defended.

“ ‘mutual interest in nature’” Donghyuck mimicked in a high pitched voice but he got cut off by a cardboard box flying at him, that was thrown by an annoyed Renjun.

“Stop it. We’re just friend damnit.” Renjun sighed.

“Yeah. Friends that go on walks alone, multiple times a week. Friends that share the same drink and wink at each other so often it makes the people who see it, puke.”

Renjun froze at his statement. Were him and Jaemin really that close? He hadn’t even noticed. The few recent memories he had made with the boy replayed in his mind. He realized that it was kind of unusual and sighed in defeat. His face turning crimson red and he could feel his entire body almost raising in temperature as he blushed. Unable to contain the happiness and feelings he didn’t even know he had until now.

“Exactly.”

Once again Donghyuck was hit by a flying box from a flustered Renjun.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: none

“Sit fucking still or this will end up a disaster.” Renjun held down Jaemin’s shaking arm. Renjun adjusted his glove as he leaned down to poke the simple design into Jaemin’s wrist.

“Tell me if it hurts or anything uncomfortable happens.”

“Okay.” Jaemin’s feelings were a mixture of nervousness and an adrenaline rush of getting his first tattoo. Excitement and fear fighting each other over who should take control over the boy’s actions.

Jaemin sat still and observed Renjun’s careful movements as he started poking the design he had previously drawn on in pen, with black ink. The needle felt like nothing but a tingle, Jaemin enjoyed it.

The boys were seated in the small kitchen of Renjun’s apartment. They sat around the corner of a table to make the positions comfortable for the tattooing process.

Jaemin had thought about what he wanted to get for a while as he had dreamed about getting tattooed for over a year, then Renjun came into his life and made the dream a reality in the span of three weeks. Renjun both approved and liked the idea and meaning behind Jaemin’s chosen design. It was simple, yet it could be and was, meaningful.

After a while of little talk and more focusing Renjun was done.

“It’s done! But since I’ve never done this on other people, I most likely have to fill it out a little once it heals because it’ll probably be a little uneven. I hope it isn’t horrible.” Renjun chuckled as he stretched his back.

“That’s okay, I don’t mind. I trust you and your talent and it’s probably amazing.” Jaemin smiled at Renjun, which Renjun happily returned.

“You can check out how it looks in the mirror. Be honest thought because I would feel real shitty if I did something you hate.”

Jaemin nodded and got up, he headed to the body mirror that was hanging on the wall in the entrance. His already bright smile grew wider as he saw the new ink on his arm. It was small and pretty, much better than he had imagined. He traced his finger lightly above the straight lines of the Earth symbol. He bit his lip in excitement as he stared at the black ink on the side of his wrist. He loved it.

“Dude, you’re so good! I love it. Like, Holy fuck. I didn’t know I could get this happy about a thing so small but I am and I love it and wow. Ah, you’re so talented and it’s so pretty. Holy shit.” Jaemin rambled on as he reentered the kitchen.

Renjun pulled off his last glove and clapped his hands in excitement. “Thank Satan! I’m glad you like it! I’m surprised you chose such a revealing placement. I thought you needed to hide it more?”

“I thought about it and decided I didn’t care. I love it. It’s not too big or scandalous. If my mom doesn’t like it, or someone else for that matter, when they see it— Well, that’s their problem.” Jaemin grinned, radiating with confidence in his decision.

“That’s awesome. I would say I’m proud of you but that sounds a little bit weird.”

“You just did though.” Jaemin commented as he sat back in his spot, in front of Renjun.

“Pfft, you know what I mean. But like, remember to take good care of it. I’ll help if you have any questions and all that. Also, no problem. I’d love to do more. It’s fun.”

 

\--

 

“So, you’re not joining us to the parlor tonight? It’s Friday! It’s card game evening. Why not? You better have a damn good reason or else I’ll ban you from the shop.” Donghyuck shouted from the other side of the storage room.

“…Can you even ban me?”

“Uhm, I can tell Mark to do it. But anyways, what the hell would you be doing that’s more important than our weekly card games? You haven’t skipped once since you moved here!” Donghyuck shot back, pretending to be extremely offended by the fact of Renjun skipping one whole evening of slacking in the tattoo parlor.

“Wow. I’m joining Jaemin in the flowershop. He wanted me to join him for his closing shift as he’s doing it alone.” Renjun smiled to himself while sorting the packages in the right category. He enjoyed spending time with Jaemin.

“Wow, gay.” Donghyuck copied the same tone Renjun had on the ‘wow’ before storming off to his original position, on the other side of the room.

“Dickwaffle.” Renjun shouted at him. He chuckled to himself as he heard a faint ‘bitch’ in return.

 

\--

 

“leaving now” Renjun sent the message to Jaemin before he stuffed his phone in his pocket, heading down the stairs of the apartment complex. He rounded the corner of the building and saw that Mark and Donghyuck with some other people had already arrived at the tattoo parlor. He wanted to stick in and say hi but he decided against it, the desire to see Jaemin was bigger.

He swung open the door and the bell above it rang. The scent of plants and flowers hitting his nose. Renjun smiled.

Jaemin came running out the back room with garden gloves on. “Hey! I’m fixing the potted plants in the backroom, come.” He waved for Renjun to follow him.

Renjun was met with music playing from a speaker on a table in the corner, the working bench being full off all types of plants, greens, pots, dirt and tools. He sat down on a stool to the side of Jaemin, watching as the ginger returned to his work. He was cutting roses and placing them in bouquets.

“Kiss from a rose” by Seal started playing. Jaemin swayed a little and dramatically serenaded the flowers he was setting in place. He froze, stood still before the chorus hit and he lifted the rose in a dramatic movement. He lipsynced with big facial expressions, his serious face getting broken by a smile from time to time.

Renjun was laughing at him, finding the whole scene hilarious.

The second chorus came around and Jaemin got dramatic again. He lightly caressed Renjun cheek with the rose and smirked. He held the top of the rose against Renjun’s mouth. The petals feeling soft but ticking his lips. Jaemin stepped closer and pressed his own lips against the rose, he closed his eyes but pulled away as the second verse began. He continued his serenade lipsync performance like he hadn’t done anything.

Renjun’s cheeks turned pink as it heated in embarrassment. He hid his face in his hands but kept smiling. The whole situation made him giddy but flustered.

The song ended and they both burst out laughing. Renjun clapped for Jaemin and Jaemin bowed enthusiastically. “Thank you. Thank you.”

Jaemin finished up his roses. They walked back out in to the main store. He cleaned the counter and placed stray plants back to their assigned spot.

“I’m glad you came. Surprised too, honestly.” Jaemin confessed when he grabbed the keys to lock up for the evening.

“Surprised, why?” Renjun leaned against the counter.

“Well, because no one has wanted to watch me snip flowers for that long before. I had way more fun with your company. I appreciate it a lot.” Jaemin smiled sweet before walking out the door and locking it, Renjun following behind.

“Aw. I shall be your constant companion from now on then. Feeling alone is no fun.”

“I didn’y say I felt alone?” Jaemin raised a brow, surprised by Renjun’s statement.

“No but I kind of figured it out.” He chuckled. “Anyway, should we do something?”

“We could go for another walk? And then, maybe, you know, if you want to, I don’t know. Maybe, we could go to your place? Have a movie marathon or something?” Jaemin suggested.

Renjun nodded, happy with the suggestion. “Yeah sure! That sounds great.”

Jaemin did a dramatic bow and held out his hand, “If you will, my prince.”

Renjun almost squealed out loud, he had to bite his lip to prevent himself from doing so. His face turned into a tomato for the umpteenth time since coming to the town, and especially today.

He accepted the hand and their fingers intertwined. They strolled down the sidewalk to start their trip. An old lady smiled sweetly at them.

“That was cute!” Jaemin admitted.

“Old people are usually either super cute or hella scary.”

“Wow.” Jaemin laughed brightly, his entire aura lighting up. “That’s true.”

They found their way to the familiar gravel path.

“Wait, have you seen the river yet?”

Renjun shook his head in response.

“Dude! The river is like my favorite spot! I love being there. It’s so calming and not a lot of people go there often, so it’s very peaceful.” Jaemin tugged Renjun’s hand as they took a turn onto a slimmer, dirtier path. The grass getting taller the further down the path they went.

They arrived at a little opening in the greenery, the woods being split down the middle by a peaceful, calm stream. The water splashing softly against the rocks on the sides.

“The water is satisfying. It just—,” Jaemin bent down and dipped a hand in the fresh water. “…soothes my soul.”

Renjun sat down beside him and dipped his own hand in. The water was hotter than he expected.

“It would soothe my soul too but my soul isn’t very soothed right now.” Renjun confessed in a blunt statement out of the blue.

“Why is thy soul not soothed?” Jaemin asked curiously, he shifted his stance to look at Renjun.

“Because you make my soul hyper. Can’t be still with you by my side.” Renjun looked down at the water, not wanting to meet Jaemin’s gaze as his statement was embarrassing enough.

“That’s dumb. Cute, but dumb.” Jaemin pushed Renjun’s chest playfully.

Renjun fell back and had to dip his entire arm in the river to not fall into it himself.

“Was that really needed? Now my denim jacket is wet.” Renjun pouted as he removed the jacket. He fixed the sleeves of his black and white striped t-shirt that he wore underneath.

“Sorry.” Jaemin teased.

The boys sat down on the grass, taking advantage of the jacket and used it to sit on. Silence fell as both of them got distracted by the water. Finding it satisfying to look and stare at as it traveled down.

Renjun’s eyes were fixated on a rock, sticking up slightly from under the water, the water running right above it. He felt the presence beside him shift and turned his head, two beady eyes meeting his own.

“Hey.”

Renjun giggled. “Hello.”

“You know what I did earlier today, with the rose?” Jaemin asked, his tone sweet and soft.

“Yeah?”

“Can I do that again? Without a flower?”

Renjun was once again flustered, his cheeks heating up in a hot pink color. He couldn’t help it so he just smiled. He answered Jaemin’s request with a little nod.

Jaemin shut his eyes and leaned in, he tilted his head. Renjun did the same and their soft lips met in their first, proper kiss. They both ended up smiling into the kiss, leaving it short and sweet.

“You’re so cute when you blush. I mean, you’re always cute but you’re extra cute when you blush.” 

Renjun hit Jaemin’s shoulder, hiding his face behind his hands in embarrassment.

“I mean it!” Jaemin defended. He grabbed Renjun’s hands and held them together, kissing each finger.

Renjun giggled softly. “You’re too good to me, I swear I don’t deserve you.”

“Shut up. It’s me who doesn’t deserve you. You nugget.”

“Nugget?”

“Nugget.”

Jaemin stood up and brushed off his pants. Renjun followed. “How about we buy some ice cream and snack before we head to my place?”

“Uhm. Hell to the yes.” Jaemin laughed and started going back the path they had come down.

Their hands found each other again as they walked the short walk to the grocery store. They found a tub of chocolate ice cream and a handful of other sweets. As well as a couple of energy drinks for themselves.

They walked past the blue fields full of Cornflowers again. “Hold up.” Jaemin stopped abruptly and walked out into the fields. He plucked a handful of Cornflowers and returned to Renjun before they continued their walk.

“What are those for?” Renjun asked.

“For you and your dead apartment.” Jaemin teased, adding extra sass in his tone.

“Wooow. If that’s how you feel about my cozy apartment then I won’t let you in.” Renjun crossed his arms, acting offended.

“I was just joking. I love your apartment honestly. It’s very aesthetic.”

“Why thank you, kind sir.”

They took the elevator up and entered the apartment. The evening sun had shone through the open curtains all day, the whole apartment felt like an oven. Renjun opened the balcony door to let some of the cooler, evening breeze seep in.

The boys set the tub of already melting, chocolate ice cream on the table and found two big spoons. Jaemin filled a glass with water and put the new flowers in it, setting it in the kitchen window.

“I already bet we won’t eat it all.”

“You’re probably right but this shit is so good and I want it inside me already.” They both laughed at Jaemin’s comment.

“Wait, wait. We need to try something. Hold your arm up like this.” Jaemin demonstrated and Renjun copied, not really getting what he was trying to do.

Jaemin folded his own elbow around Renjun’s arm so they could feed themselves. “Wow. Impressive idea.” Renjun commented.

“I tried, ok.” Jaemin sighed but chuckled shortly after.

Renjun was focused on eating when he felt something cold on his cheek. He jolted his head to the side and found a smirking Jaemin.

“You’re in for it now!”

Renjun tackled Jaemin and smeared his own spoon of ice cream on his face. Jaemin’s laugh was a giggle mixed with screams.

Jaemin took another spoon and smeared it on Renjun’s other cheek.

“Wow!”

Renjun ditched the spoon and dunked his hand in the tub and was about to smack Jaemin. Jaemin reacted quickly and licked the hand as it grazed over his mouth.

“Ew! Why? Ohmygod.” Renjun was a giggling mess.

Jaemin sat up and grabbed the ice cream filled hand, he licked of the rest of it.

“Idiot.”

“I know you like it.” Jaemin cocked an eyebrow and smirked.

“What the fuck. Nooo.” Renjun cringed.

Renjun side eyed Jaemin after his statement. He darted forward and licked the ice cream off of the other’s cheek.

“You say ew to me for licking your hand, only to attack me and lick my face instead.?” Jaemin questioned Renjun’s logic.

“Well, yeah.” He giggled.

They finished up the ice cream and cleaned off the mess they had made. They returned to the couch and felt defeated after the eventful day.

Renjun yawned and stretched his arms up, only to lay back against the couch and close his eyes.

“You seem tired. I should go home to let you sleep.” Jaemin made an attempt to get up but two lazy hands wrapped themselves around his legs so he fell back to the couch.

“No. Stay.” Renjun mumbled, eyes still closed.

“My mom’s going to kill me and then give me an entire Sex-Ed course if I stay the night.” Jaemin struggled against the other’s hold.

“Fuck your mom then.”

“Uhm, no.” Jaemin laughed.

“Please stay. I’m in a cuddle mood.” Renjun managed to get the desperation out in his low tone.

“Fine. I blame you if I get in trouble, nugget.” Jaemin leaned back in the comfortable couch and snaked his arms around Renjun.

Renjun snuggled up against him and rested his head on his shoulder.

“Nugget is so cheesy.”

“I know but so are you, so it fits just perfect.” Jaemin kissed the top of the brunette’s head.

The boys both drifted off to sleep on the couch, too exhausted to even think about moving to a more comfortable position.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: selfharm, homophobic/ gay slurs,

Jaemin stretched out his arms. Back aching as he woke up in a sitting position. He felt something moving underneath his head and shot up his eyes. He realized he was leaning on a still sleeping Renjun. He smiled to himself and kissed the boy’s hair. He didn’t have the heart to move as it may disturb Renjun’s peaceful sleep.

An alarm started blasting from a phone on the table and Renjun shot up. Almost banging his head in Jaemin’s face in the process. “Shit. Work.” He mumbled and rubbed his eyes. “Good morning by the way.” 

He smiled sleepily and pecked Jaemin’s cheek. Jaemin ruffled his hair and grinned.

“Morning. Maybe we should plan these things better and not have a sleepover on the day we both have work.”

Renjun nodded as he snuggled up closer in to Jaemin.

“You’re right but I don’t care.” He closed his eyes again and listened to Jaemin’s heartbeat.

“No but seriously. We both have work in like half an hour and none of us can afford skipping it. Chop, chop.” Jaemin untangled himself from Renjun.

Renjun growled as he dragged his body and stood up drowsily.

“In that speed we will never get to eat breakfast before we leave.” Jaemin commented as he slapped Renjun’s butt.

Renjun ran off into the kitchen and started rummaging around, starting to prepare his breakfast, Jaemin followed him and helped with the cooking.

–

“You and Jaemin had a sleepover huh? Did anything happen? Did you use protection?” Donghyuck poked Renjun’s side as he attempted to stack a few new deliveries.

Renjun laughed. “How do you even know that? And no, nothing happened. Nothing that we needed protection for anyway. We had an ice cream fight and then fell asleep on the couch.” Renjun answered, honest.

“Because Jaemin’s mom was crazy worried last night because someone forgot to inform his mom that he was sleeping over at his boyfriend’s house. She called literally everyone asking if anyone knew where he was. So, we figured he was with you since none of you answered your phones at all yesterday.”

“Oops.” Renjun laughed. He did feel a little guilty but he made a mental note to make up for it.

The two boys could go home early today as the warehouse didn’t have much to do. They didn’t say no and went straight home.

Renjun felt tired as he entered his apartment. Everything feeling more dull than usual.

Oh no, I thought I was done with these feelings.

Renjun sighed as he decided to embrace the empty feeling of his depression returning a bit stronger instead of faking happiness.

The familiar thoughts started clogging up his mind.

You’re not good enough. They only hang out with you because they have to be nice. No one really cares about you. Your art is horrible. You look like shit. Your personality is disgusting and annoying.

The voice changed, it darkened and turned into his fathers. Renjun sank to the floor, leaned against a wall, feeling weak and worthless.

“You’re a disgrace. You’re a disappointment to this entire family. You want to do something that will never make you money. You decided to become a faggot to make sure everyone hates you. I wish you were never born. You will never be my son.”

His father’s words replayed in his mind. Just as loud and hurtful as they were the first time he lashed out on him.

Out of instinct and habit Renjun stood up, he went to the kitchen and found a scissor. He stared at if for a while. It had been over a year since the last time, his skin had finally healed proper. He knows it doesn’t help, he’s fully aware that it does nothing but make bad, worse. He stared at the blank blades as he opened the scissor and placed it in his left hand like he had done so many times before. He thought about what he had done. What his life is.

Jaemin just sticks with you because he doesn’t know how fucked up you are, sooner or later you’re going to scare him away too like you do with everyone else.

“I’m going to regret this but I’m a piece of shit so no one cares anyway.” He mumbled to himself.

He scratched the blade lightly across his arm. The cold, familiar feeling making him wince. He did it again, tried to be a bit deeper but still slow. He remembered the trick he learnt. He slid the blade across his wrist faster. The speed automatically making the deep cut. It was like a band aid, the slower you go, the harder it is to do. The faster you go, the less it hurts and the more gets done.

He did a few lines after each other and stared at them as the blood came prickling through. He did some other cuts above them, in the opposite direction. Creating a pattern.

After a while his state of mind faded and he came back to his senses. He cursed at himself and rinsed the scissor, putting it back where he found it. The panic took over from the self-loathing.

What if Jaemin hates me? He said he’d be there for me and support me but that was because I was recovered and clean from cuts. I’m fucking stupid, holy shit. I’ll never be worthy of working as a tattoo artist when I’m such a mess, my art isn’t even good. My dad is right, he was always right. Since he isn’t here to beat me up I need to do it myself. Remind me of my worth, well, lack of. I thought everything would get better as I moved here, but I guess I was a bit too optimistic. Foolish thinking. I can’t fucking stay here.

He checked the clock hanging on the wall. He still had time to take a bus, just disappear. He felt so ashamed for his own existence and everyone involved with it.

The boy had a death wish. He had death on his mind almost every day, in some form or another. Sometimes just in the form of jokes, other times in the form of research, most of the time in the form of want. He would think of ridiculous things he could do to get himself killed, even in the simplest of situations. Jaemin helped, he made these thoughts disappear for a little while but they always returned. This wasn’t some dumb ass movie or story where a person was cured from depression or sadness just because they fell in love. Was he even in love? He had never been so he didn’t know what it felt like or what it meant.

Renjun grabbed his wallet and ran down the stairs and out his apartment. Tears were running down his face and off to the sides as he sped up to get to the bus stop as fast as possible. He had nowhere to go and no clue what he was doing. He just needed to get away, to do something. A bus was about to leave and he gave a broken smile to the driver as he paid for his fare. He just payed to get to the last stop of the ride which was three hours away in a town he had never heard of.

Jaemin saw it all. He saw a crying Renjun run out of his apartment. Jaemin was walking back home after his evening shift at the flower shop. He tried to follow but he lost him when he ran around a corner and on to the bus stop, getting on the bus that just left.

Jaemin tried to call him but Renjun rejected it. Not once, not twice but he rejected the call ten times. His phone got spammed down with messages until he got so sick of it that he turned the whole thing off.

A worried Jaemin barged into the tattoo parlor. A person getting tattooed got startled and had to catch their breath. Jaemin apologized and asked the worker if Mark and Donghyuck were there. He just nodded his head in the direction of the break room so Renjun thanked him and went there.

He paced around the room trying to make sense of what was happening. He had to catch his breath before trying to explain.

“Sit down. What the hell is happening?” Mark commanded and pointed to the couch.

“It’s Renjun. I was walking back home after my shift and I saw him run out his building. I think he was crying too. Then he just got on a bus and left before I got the chance to catch up. I’ve tried calling and messaging him but he rejected the calls and never read the messages. Now they’re not even being delivered and I have no idea what’s going on and I’m so worried and oh my god.” Jaemin spilt it all with no breaks. He put his head in his hands and stared at the floor.

“That’s fucking weird? Renjun has never stormed off before. Does he even know what he’s doing?” Donghyuck asked and ran his hands through his hair.

“There must be an explanation. Did you two have a fight or something? Did he tell you about needing to take the bus somewhere? Anything at all?” Mark asked concerned.

Jaemin shook his head harshly. “No. Nothing.”

“Okay. We must calm down. We should just wait until he either returns or his phone is back on.

–

Renjun got off in the unfamiliar town. It was even smaller than where he came from. He walked around the town, going around in endless circles. People who worked in shops he passed multiple times in a short time span probably thought he was a lunatic.

He felt people staring at him, probably because of his messed-up face from crying. He kept his stare on the ground and avoided talking as much as possible. He wandered aimlessly around the strange town before finding a park and sat down on a cold bench. He sighed and leaned back, his eyes closed.

He checked the black screen of his phone, wondering if he should turn it on but he didn’t dare. He was not ready to fight the onslaught of calls and messages he had probably gotten.

Why do they even bother? I know they don’t give two shits.

–

After hours of worrying, Jaemin screamed. His too many messages got marked as ‘Read’.

He ran outside the tattoo parlor and stared at the bus stop, Donghyuck and Mark following right behind him.

An exhausted looking Renjun got off the bus and dragged his feet along the ground.

Jaemin jumped as he dashed towards the boy. He almost crashed into him and grabbed his shoulder. His heart breaking at how Renjun looked. The boy had been crying and he looked ready to be buried six feet under.

“Go away.” Renjun mumbled.

“Hey Renjun. No. What’s going on?” Donghyuck asked softly as he approached the two, Mark in tow.

“Leave me alone. Please.” He pushed Jaemin away from him and sped up his walking.

“No. When I see you fucking running to a bus and crying, only to come back 7 hours later without responding to a single message. I want to know what the fuck is going on.” Jaemin got angry.He grabbed the brunette’s wrists.

The boy winced in response and yanked them away. Tears returning and blurring his vision.

“I said leave me alone!” Renjun raised his voice to try to get them away, it cracked making them more worried instead.

He went into his apartment complex only to be followed by three boys insisting not leaving him alone.

“Fuck off!” He screamed as he unlocked his door and slammed it in their faces.

He heared murmuring outside the door as he tossed his belongings in his couch and tore off his jacket, exhausted after everything and not being ready to talk to anyone at all.

A soft knock on his door.

“Renjun. It’s just me now. What happened? Please tell me. I want to understand so I can help.”

Renjun went to open the door when he caught his reflection in the entrance mirror and froze. He never rinsed his cuts so his arms were stained with crimson red lines.

He leaned his head against the door without opening it, “Jaemin?” He croaked.

“Mhm?”

“I don’t think I’m okay.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: mentions of selfharm

“I don’t think I’m okay.”

“Renjun,” Jaemin sighed after the boy spoke. It hurt Jaemin hearing those words from him. “What’s going on? What happened? I’m here for you. I care about you, remember that. I can try to help if you tell?” Jaemin tried, careful not to ask too many big questions.

Renjun listened to the muffled voice through the door, “Okay but not right now. I’m so tired.”

“Alright. Get some rest. Tell me when you’re ready.”

Renjun heard shuffling outside so he assumed Jaemin left. He exhaled deeply and walked in front of the mirror again, disgusted by the sight. Disgusted by himself for relapsing. He didn’t have the energy to rinse them now, he went straight to his couch and sat down. His rest didn’t last long as his stomach growled shortly after. He went to his fridge and mentally screamed at himself. He forgot to buy groceries.

He put on his denim jacket and rushed outside, he had half an hour before the store closed. He sped down the stairs and jogged to the store. He tried to be decent with his food choices but being in a rush the only healthy thing he got was one whole banana.

He stomped up the stairs, being more ready to sleep than eat. Then he saw what, or whom, that sat outside his apartment, half asleep. He dropped his bag of groceries as he stepped closer.

“J-Jaemin? What the hell are you doing here?”

Jaemin’s eyes shot open and he stretched his body to get more awake.

“Huh? Oh.” He mumbled as he came to his senses. He chuckled a little, nervous. “I didn’t want to leave you.”

Renjun sighed and picked up his bag of groceries.

“Come inside.” He commanded.

Jaemin nodded and followed him inside. The boys ate before sitting down.

“I don’t know what happened. I just felt real shit when I came back home and then I remembered my dad and I relapsed and I fucking hate myself.”

Renjun blurted. He was calm. Eyes staring at the wooden floor and hands fiddling with the edge of his denim jacket.

It took Jaemin a few seconds to process alt the information that was just shot at him. When it hit him, he took a deep breath, trying to handle everything.

“Your dad?” Jaemin questioned softly.

Renjun scrunched his face, uncomfortable with the topic. “Yeah… He was abusive. Mostly with words but damn he could beat me up too. I hate him.” He struggled with speaking clearly, lips quivering as he was trying not to cry. His hand fiddled with the sleeve of his jacket until a hand reached out and held it.

Jaemin ran his thumb over Renjun’s hand in a calming, circle motion. “It’s okay. I’m here. That bastard is far away and will never hurt you again. You don’t need to tell me more if you don’t want to.” Jaemin’s words were soothing, he was good at comforting and calming down people.

“I- It’s okay. I want to tell you the most I can. I want you to know who I really am. Thank you for putting up with my mess.”

“Of course. Of course. I’ll be here. I will tell you about me too. That’s for later, now I want to focus on you because seeing you sad breaks me.” Jaemin reassured, with a broken, pouty smile.

After a few moments of silence Jaemin spoke again, “You said ‘relapsed’… What did you mean? Did you—.” He couldn’t get himself to finish the sentence, it was horrible enough to think of Renjun feeling like that and doing such things to himself but saying it out loud was a whole other situation.

Renjun sniffled, his strong side breaking as tears ran down his cheeks, one after one.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I already regret it but it was a bad habit. I was so used to doing it when I felt like this. I tried to stop myself but I couldn’t… I just needed to. It was the last time, I promise! I’m sorry.” He rambled on, feeling guilty for what he did.

Jaemin sat still, face without expression.

“Show me.” He said with a stern voice.

“What? No. I don’t want to show you. I don’t think you really want to see either. It’s dumb, and horrible and I hate it.”

“I don’t care. Show me.” Jaemin’s voice was monotone. Renjun had never seen this side of him and it was scary.

Renjun hesitated and started taking off his denim jacket, revealing the clean arm first before moving on to the bloody one. He sobbed and winced as the fabric grazed over the fresh but dry cuts.

Jaemin stayed silent as the cuts were revealed. He reached out to hold the arm but avoided touching the cuts, guessing it would burn and sting.

“I’m sorry, Jaemin. I’m a disaster. You don’t need to stay with me. I’m annoying and a burden.” Renjun sobbed, voice nothing more than a whisper. He broke down, burying his head in his hands trying to hide his shame even though he had nothing to be ashamed of.

“Look at me.”

Renjun obeyed and brought his teary eyes up to meet Jaemin’s.

“You’re not a disaster. I’ll still be here for you. I’ll try to understand what it feels like, how you deal with things. I will be here for you, I will help and support you. I will protect you. We will also have fun along the way, make many memories.” Jaemin reassured.

“Why? That seems like a burden. I don’t want to bring you so much into this. I’m sorry, I should’ve ran away from it all before we got too close.” Renjun looked down again, avoiding Jaemin’s attempt at eye-contact.

“No. Do not fucking say that. You can be sorry for many things but do not fucking say that you regret this, regret us. I said I would be here for you, didn’t I? I mean it when I say I care, I mean it when I say I’ll try my best to help you through this. I know it’s hard for you to trust after everything you’ve been through, but try. Just, at least try, to trust me. Ok? We will make this work. You can make it work. I believe in you. If you can’t believe in yourself then my belief is big enough for the both of us.”

Tears were streaming down both their faces when Jaemin finished his little speech. He wiped his own tears with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“I don’t understand. Why would you put yourself through all that?” Renjun said, still oblivious to the truth.

“Because I love you. I really fucking love you and I can’t tolerate seeing you so miserable because it breaks my fucking heart.” He cupped Renjun’s face in his hands and tilted it up, staring deeply into his eyes.

“I. Love. You. Renjun. You probably don’t believe me but you will someday. I don’t know if you love me back either, but I do love you and I mean it.”

Renjun bit his lip as he couldn’t help but smile a broken smile. He rested his own hands on top of Jaemin’s on the sides of his face.

“I love you, too.” Renjun replied, in a voice so subtle it was barely audible.

Jaemin grinned from ear to ear and took Renjun’s head towards himself and pecked the top of it. He wrapped his arms around Renjun and held him close to his chest. Renjun’s head resting on his shoulder, breath tickling his neck. Staying in that position for a while.

“I’m worthless.” Renjun blurted after a while of silence.

“If you’re worthless then I must be really damn cheap ‘cause you’re all I want.”

Renjun hit Jaemin’s chest playfully, “Ew.”

“I know you like it. Prince nugget. You’re a cute nugget. Not a chicken nugget, but a gold nugget.”

“That was worse but ok.”

–

“I’m sick.”

“Oh, come on! You don’t sound sick.” Donghyuck whined over the phone, not wanting to do a shift alone.

“Do you want to hear me throw up? Because you can come here and watch the show.” Renjun snapped back.

“Wha the fuck, no. Nu-uh. No thanks. Get well soon, dude.” Donghyuck hang up the phone.

“You’re good at lying.” Jaemin smiled when Renjun put down his phone.

“What was I supposed to do? Our uniforms have short sleeves and I’m not very keen on flashing my cuts to anyone. Wearing a bandage doesn’t work for me either. It tickles and it makes me scratch and just make everything worse.” Renjun said as he leaned against the counter of the kitchen, waiting for the pizza to cook in the oven.

“Oh. True that. By the way, I told my mom I’m here this time so that she doesn’t send a damn search party after me. I said you were sick and that I was taking care of you so she let me go with a paid leave.” Jaemin grabbed two plates from the cupboard and put them on the small table in front of the kitchen window.

“Your mom is so kind.”

“Sit. I’ll get the pizza.” Jaemin ordered and Renjun listened.

“Wow, such a gentleman. Taking out the pizza.” Renjun teased.

“Shut it, nugget.”

“Why nugget? It’s so weird.”

“What? Do you want me to go all honeybunch sugarplum, cuppycake gumdrop, snoogums boogums on you?” Jaemin smirked.

Renjun burst out laughing, “Oh my god, no. Please, do not. You can gladly keep it to nugget.”

Jaemin laughed with him, it was comforting to see Renjun laugh.

It made him happy. This is what Jaemin could do. He could be here for Renjun, support him, help him when things get rough. Stay by his side and love him. So that’s what he’s doing.

They were finishing up the pizza.

“Hey. Do you wanna do something later today? The arcade or something?” Jaemin suggested.

Renjun munched on his last bite before answering, “Sure but I don’t think my arm will forgive me if I move it too much. Shit is gonna re-open and bleed everywhere. People might see me too, if the boss knows I’m out and about when I’m supposed to be home sick, He won’t be very happy.”

“Oh yeah. Forgot about that.” Jaemin stared out the window, looking like he was thinking very hard. “We could just stay in? Have a movie marathon? That sounds like much of the greatness.”

“Great English there. But yeah, that sounds good.” Renjun nodded, a genuine smile found it’s way onto his lips.

The boys cleaned up the few dishes and went to the living room to decide what to have a marathon on.

“Marvel marathon?” Jaemin suggested when he noticed the collection of Marvel movies stacked in the shelf in the TV table.

“Yes.” Renjun said, stone faced but smiled big, toothy smile seconds later.

“Alright. Could you set this up then? I’ll go to the store and buy some snacks for us.” Jaemin was already opening the door of the apartment.

“Could you get ice cream?” Renjun asked softly, pouting with puppy eyes.

Jaemin sent him fingerguns in response and headed out. He sprinted down the stairs and walked on the sidewalk since it led straight to the grocery store.

–

“There he is! I told you he was at Renjun’s.” Donghyuck hit Mark. They were in the tattoo parlor when they spotted Jaemin on the other side of the street, passing the flower shop.

“Well damn. You know see Renjun more often than I do..What are they? Are they together? Dating? Fuckfriends?” Mark questioned.

“Uh. Dude, I don’t fucking know. They’re very secretive. Fuckfriends? Why would you even— Oh God now I’m imagining it. What have you done!” Donghyuck hit his own head before tackling Mark onto the leather-couch of the break room.

“I was just listing the possibilities.” Mark put his arms up in defense.

Donghyuck straddled him and gripped his hands.

“You freak out because I say ‘fuckfriends’ and then you jump me like you want to ride me?” Mark teased and the corner of his lips curled up in a smirk.

“Well.” Donghyuck shrugged.

Mark stretched a hand behind his head and took out a pillow and whacked Donghyuck with it.

“You dirty little shit.”

Donghyuck stopped in his tracks, his face lit up like he got an idea.

“What?” Mark commented.

“I’ll message Jaemin. Tell him to pop in. I’ll figure out what those boys are up to.” Donghyuck smiled evilly.

“Dude, what you smirking for? Have you seen them? He is a damn florist and Renjun is an actual baby. The closest they’ll get to fucking is watching dogs mate and probably looking away from even that. But go on, I still want the tea.” 

“I saw you. Come to the tattoo shop.” Donghyuck typed and sent it off to Jaemin.

Not even a minute passed and he got a reply, “K”

“Creative texter that one.” Mark commented.

A few minutes passed and the bell above the door rang, signaling his arrival. Donghyuck jumped up from his spot and waved him over.

“Why do you want me here? I have ice cream melting in the bag.”

“Ice cream? I thought Renjun was sick? Throwing up and all?” Donghyuck questioned.

Jaemin just laughed. “Not really but don’t tell your boss that. He’s just going through some shit as you know because of yesterday. So, he’s having a well-deserved break to rest up and all.”

Donghyuck nodded.

“The real reason he wanted you here is because he thinks you and Renjun are fuckbuddies.” Mark said straightforward. Earning a punch in the shoulder from Donghyuck.

“The fuck? No. Even if we were I wouldn’t tell you. But no, we’re not.” Jaemin answered.

Donghyuck pouted, almost disappointed at the answer. “That’s lame. What are you then?”

“Uhm. I don’t know. We haven’t really put a label on the situation yet. I guess— I guess we’re dating?” Jaemin thought out loud, making it sound more like a question. He hadn’t really thought about what they were. They just did what made them happy.

“You guess? If you’re kissing and smooching but not in a relationship, then you are dating.” Mark stated, trying to sound like a smartass.

“Uhm, yeah. We’re dating then.” Jaemin smiled.

“Aha! So, you ARE fuckfriends?” Donghyuck jumped again.

“NO!” Jaemin shouted and grabbed a pillow and smacked him. “We’ve kissed like, twice. It wasn’t even kissing, it was like, a few pecks.”

“Woaw. Spilling all the details, damn.” Mark laughed.

“I need to or else Dongdumb over there won’t shut up ever.” Jaemin shrugged.

“True.” Mark chuckled.

“I’m right here with fully functional ears.” Donghyuck commented.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: None

“Do I need to?” Renjun pouted.

“You haven’t stepped a foot outside your apartment in over a week. Joining me and Mark out for a few hours won’t hurt. If it gets too bad we can just go back here again. I’m sure they’ll understand. At least try, for me? Please.” Jaemin said, dragging out the last word.

“Fine.”

Donghyuck and Mark had invited them to bathe in and hang out by the river. The summer has been getting hotter and hotter and today was the hottest day so far. 

Renjun had put on his swim shorts and stood in front of the full-length mirror beside the entrance.

“Ugh. Ew. Oh God.” He turned around and was disgusted by everything he saw. Each turn leading to a new detail that he hated about his body. He wanted to cry. He felt so ugly. He just wanted to put on a big hoodie and hide everything. Preferably staying inside his apartment, hidden, forever.

The cuts on his arm were healing and fading, but the deeper ones were still clear and visible.

“What if they comment on my arm? Or my fat rolls?” Renjun sighed.

Jaemin came out from the bedroom in his own swim shorts. His body was similar to Renjun’s, just a little taller. Yet, in Renjun’s eyes Jaemin was perfect and he, himself was the opposite.

“Fat rolls? You don’t even have any rolls, you barely have fat. And they won’t comment on your arm.” Jaemin approached Renjun and stood behind him in front of the mirror.

“Are you sure?”

Jaemin nodded and kissed his shoulder.

“I feel so ugly. How have I even dared to show myself in public before. I’m ashamed. I look like a fucking deformed troll. I hate it.” Renjun’s voice cracked. He hasn’t been outside and bathed in many years, or wore anything less than tshirts and pants. He had almost forgot how much he hated his body, until now. It all came crashing down and he just wanted to hide.

“Stop. You’re beautiful. You look good. You’re handsome. You’re not fat at all. If you’re a deformed troll then I am also a deformed troll. I’m not going to pressure you into anything. You can wear a tshirt to use when we’re swimming too, just bring a dry one to change into afterwards.” Jaemin reassured and hugged him from behind.

“That’s dumb. They’re going to laugh at me for wearing one. No one does that.”

“No. They won’t. I’ll make sure they don’t. Again, only do what you’re comfortable with so you can enjoy yourself without worrying.”

“What I’m comfortable with is staying inside.” Renjun blurted. “Sorry, I’m such a party pooper.” He felt sorry for being so complicated. He felt like a big burden and annoyance.

Jaemin didn’t find it annoying at all. It was unusual because he had never dealt with self-esteem issues that big before but he was willing to try to learn and to understand.

“Don’t say that. We all appreciate your company and it hasn’t really been the same these past few days, knowing that you’ve just been sitting in here doing nothing.”

Jaemin’s phone dinged, a message from Mark.

“Come to the river in half an hour.”

“Ok. Btw, don’t comment or stare at Renjun’s arms. I won’t tell why because you’ll understand yourself. And don’t force him into doing things. He’s very tired and well, fragile to word it that way. He barely agreed to join so be kind.” Jaemin replied, making sure the others understood the situation. He just wanted the best for Renjun so he could be comfortable with himself and have fun.

“Got it.” Mark replied.

“Are you ready Renjun? We can grab some snacks on the way if we leave now.” Jaemin shouted through the apartment, not really sure where Renjun wandered off to.

“Not really but I have no choice.” Renjun sighed as he lifted the backpack up and was about to sling it over his head.

“I can take that.” Jaemin took the backpack away from Renjun and hung it around his shoulders.

Jaemin opened the door and walked out, waiting for Renjun to lock the door. He closed it, locked it and put the keys safely in their shared backpack. Jaemin held out his hand which Renjun grabbed with no hesitation, intertwining their fingers.

They bought cookies and water, wanting ice cream but decided against it because it would melt as soon as it left the freezer in the store.

“Heeey gays!” Donghyuck shouted when Renjun and Jaemin entered the opening by the river.

“Heeey gay.” Jaemin shouted back.

“The water is so warm!” Donghyuck said as he ran back into it. Mark laughed at him and wanted to wait for Jaemin and Renjun before going back in.

“Go ahead Mark.” Jaemin commented and glanzed at Renjun. Mark nodded as he understood.

Renjun was feeling uneasy. The whole situation making him uncomfortable to the point where he almost felt nauseous.

“I don’t want to.” Renjun shook his head and closed his eyes.

“I know. I know.” Jaemin held his hands. “Try? I know it’s hard but just go straight into the water. Try not to care or worry about what they might think or how you look. You’re amazing in every way. You’re fucking strong for even just coming here. I’ll stay by your side all the time.” 

Renjun took a deep breath and took off his shoes. “Okay.”

“Yay! I’m proud of you.” Jaemin kissed Renjun’s cheek which led to Renjun’s first smile since leaving the apartment.

Renjun held Jaemin’s hand as they slowly entered the water. Mark and Donghyuck already noticing a shyer, more careful, personality from Renjun but knew better than to comment.

Mark brought a volleyball so they played volleyball in the water for about an hour before throwing the ball on land to just chill.

Renjun swam over to Jaemin and grabbed around his waist, clutching to his side like a Koala. Jaemin laughed and held around him, kissing his cheek as their heads were the only thing above the water. Donghyuck attempted to do the same with Mark but he just ended up getting splashed and attacked. “Get the fuck off me.” Mark spat while laughing and swimming after an escaping Donghyuck.

“Dongdumb get your thick ass back here!” Mark shouted as Donghyuck ran on land and escaped into the forest. He followed behind and disappeared into the trees too.

“Welp. Gone.” Jaemin chuckled.

“If this was a movie they would either A, get really deep and confess their obvious love for each other, B, get kidnapped and or brutally murdered, or C, have some kinky forest sex.” Renjun said.

“You watch too many movies.” Jaemin laughed and shifted their position.

Renjun had his legs crossed around Jaemin’s hips and held around his back. Jaemin’s arms were resting around Renjun’s neck.

“Yaou’re very clingy.” Jaemin commented.

“I know. Are you complaining?” Renjun raised an eyebrow, a sly look creeping onto his face, becoming more confident as they were alone.

“Not at all.”

“Good.” Renjun smiled satisfied and kissed Jaemin on the lips.

Jaemin took a minute to react, shocked by Renjun making the first move. He smiled into the kiss for a quick second before kissing back and tilting his head to the side.

Renjun snaked his hand into Jaemin’s wet hair, causing a shiver to run down his spine. They burst out laughing and Jaemin splashed water to Renjun’s side for ruining the moment.

Jaemin smirked as he was going to get revenge. He fixed his grip on Renjun, hands finding their way under his thighs to hold him up even though he could stay there by himself. He tilted his head in to the curve of Renjun’s neck and started kissing it, searching for the sweet spot where it would tickle the most.

Renjun sank under his touch when Jaemin kissed a spot underneath his ear. Jaemin noticed this and started nibbling sweetly on the skin, eventually sucking on it, his intentions to make a mark.

Renjun pulled back out of nowhere and lost his grip on Jaemin, standing straight in the water, looking down.

Jaemin grew worried. Did he do something wrong? He observed Renjun who stood still across from him.

“Wha- What is it?”

He didn’t notice until after the question that Renjun was shyly smiling, his face red. Renjuns hands flew up to his own hair and pulled it forward, in an attempt to hide his face.

“Now THAT! Is what I call action!”

Renjun laughed, still embarrassed. Jaemin laughed with him but started swimming to land, ready to attack Donghyuck.

“Like you two didn’t just run off and did exactly the same.” Jaemin commented, crossing his arms.

“What makes you say that?” Donghyuck commented, flustered.

Jaemin didn’t respond but pointed a finger at Mark’s neck, which was now covered in red and purple hickies.

Donghyuck was about to snap back but shut his mouth when he realized he had nothing to defend himself with.

“Towel.” Renjun shivered as he went up behind them.

Jaemin reacted, not as affected by the temperature change as Renjun was. He found the big towel and wrapped it around the freezing boy.

“You should take off the shirt and put on the dry one, the water keeps it cold.”

Renjun nodded.

Jaemin helped him change and the four boys were now seated on a picnic blanket. Donghyuck had been more quiet than usual, more embarrassed than he needed to be about the previous situation.

The boys found themselves chatting about nothing and everything, from discussing candy flavours to discussing why the world struggles so much with accepting other skin tones and sexualities, how lucky they were to live in such an accepting town.

“What if we camped? We can build a bonfire. We can put up a tent or two!” Donghyuck suggested, excited at his own idea.

“Is that even legal?” Mark questioned.

“Yep. I checked earlier.”

“Wow, planning ahead and everything.” Mark patted his back.

“That’s crazy. Let’s do it.” Jaemin agreed and glanced over at Renjun, who nodded his head in agreement too.

“Who owns a tent here?” Jaemin asked, starting to plan.

Only Mark raised his hand. “It’s a big one though. Like it has two rooms that are divided in the middle so we can chill in the entrance in case it rains.”

“Good. Go get that. Donghyuck, fix the necessary stuff. Like insect spray and stuff. Me and Renjun will fix the food. We all bring our own sleeping things and all that though, obviously.” 

They all agreed to Jaemin’s plan and were soon on their way. Renjun went home to pack, Mark searched for the tent in his garage, Donghyuck googled necessary things to bring on a camping trip and Jaemin packed quickly before heading off to the store to buy food to grill and snacks to munch.

When Renjun and Jaemin returned, Donghyuck and Mark were already struggling with setting up the tent.

“Grab that fucking corner— no, the OTHER CORNER!” Was the first thing they hear Mark scream.

“Let me help.” Jaemin dropped the bags he was holding and ran over to them, grabbing the corner that was supposed to be held.

Eventually, after lots of failure, way too much cursing and some abuse with the sticks later the tent stood up in all its glory.

“Who’s ready for some food?” Jaemin shouted, eager to eat after the long day. The boys all cheered in response.

“But you all need to help. No one’s getting a free-pass here.” Jaemin stated.

They laughed and all helped with the cooking and preparing of food. The finished food was placed on a camping table that Donghyuck brought, it was super wobbly and no one trusted it but they had to deal with what they got.

Renjun huddled up in a blanket in one of the big camping chairs that someone brought. He sighed in frustration when he had to move to get his food but it was very worth it. Jaemin had cooked amazing burgers for them and Mark and Donghyuck had prepared more than enough goods to put on them.

They all finished their food and helped to clean up. Renjun made a bonfire in the middle of the four chairs. They all plonked down in their own chair, comfortable with blankets and exhausted after the eventful day.

Donghyuck giggled out of nowhere and smirked an evil grin,

“We should play Truth or Dare!”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: None

“We should play truth or dare!” Donghyuck shouted eagerly.

“No! We should not. That is never a good idea. Let’s do it.” Mark jumped in, trying to be smart.

“Hey Dongdumb, Dumbhyuck, Dumbdumb, you start since it was your idea.” Jaemin pointed.

“Okay I get it. I’m dumb. Anyway, hmmm.” He looked deep in thought as he stared down the three other boys, thinking thoroughly through who to pick as his first victim.

“Jaemin! Truth or dare.”

“I’m starting out safe so truth.” Jaemin put his hands up in defense, to show Donghyuck to not start off too strong.

“Wow, okay. Is it true… that you and Renjun are fuckbuddies?” He chuckled at himself.

“NO!” Both Renjun and Jaemin shouted in unison.

“Okay, okay, okay. Fine, fine.”

“It’s like you want them to fuck more than they do themselves.” Mark teased.

“It really is like that though damn. How do you even survive with such a kinky bastard?” Jaemin laughed and looked at Mark.

Mark shrugged. “Honestly, it gets hard from time to time.”

The air was filled with silence.

“Was that a fucking pun?” Jaemin asked.

Mark facepalmed, not realizing what he said himself until now.

“Not an intended one, no.”

They group broke out in laughter for the umpteenth time that day.

Jaemin remembered what they were doing, “Oh yeah, my turn. Uh…Donghyuck! Truth or dare?”

“Daaare?” He dragged out the word, sounding unsure.

“Are you sure?” Jaemin chuckled.

“Yes! Dare! Hit me!”

“I dare you to… lay across Mark’s lap for the next round. Yes, in the camping chair. Yes, straight across.” Jaemin shrugged, not coming up with something better.

“Come here.” Mark slapped his thigh.

Donghyuck stood up, froze, and flopped as long as he was over Mark. He turned around and curled up like a baby. Mark sighed but giggled at the mess on top of him and wrapped his hands around him.

“Renjun!” Donghyuck shouted.

“Truth!” Renjun screamed right back, just as loud.

Jaemin got startled and laughed at Renjun. He had never seen him so loud and lively before, it was very cute and he admired it.

“Wow, lame.”

“Fine. Dare, then.” Renjun laughed.

“Ooooh. Innocent boy being brave. Well, actually my imagination is drained. Can we just ask spicy questions instead? Maybe some dares too though.”

Everyone nodded and agreed.

“Ok, Renjun. Then my question for you is, how would you rate your looks fomr 0-10?”

Renjun shrugged. “Zero.” He laughed it off but he had a crooked smile.

Jaemin noticed. He felt bad for Renjun. It pained him to see how the cute boy in front of him had such deep hatred for himself. He knew it was because of his damned father and family had ruined him growing up but Jaemin knew confidence had to learnt and improved. You weren’t born a cocky bastard.

He patted Renjun’s back and gave him a soft smile but Renjun just shrugged him off.

“Jaemin. My question for you is what is the most illegal thing you’ve done?” He smirked.

“You continue to surprise me Renjun. The most illegal thing I’ve done..hmm.” Jaemin placed his hand on his chin, making it obvious that he was thinking. He made a face like he remembered something but he wasn’t sure if he was going to tell or not.

“Spill it.” Donghyuck commented, who was still laying in Marks lap.

“Isn’t your turn over? Why are you still in his lap?” Renjun asked.

“Because I can.”

Jaemin looked up, “Well, There’s this one thing I did… I stole some expensive ass rings once.”

“Why rings? And how expensive?” Donghyuck asked, his natural curiosity too strong.

“Because they were pretty and they were like $230 I think.” Jaemin answered, honestly.

“How the fuck did you even steal something that expensive? Do they not have security?” Renjun asked, growing both curious and worried over what Jaemin had done.

“Well, it was surprisingly easy. I just took them off their little display and slipped them into my pocket. The security alarms did go off when I walked out and two security guards came after me. I stopped, they patted me up and down but didn’t find anything. They thought it just went off because of a fail in the system and let me go.” Jaemin told the story.

“That’s insane. I don’t believe it.” Renjun was in denial, they all were.

“Wait, Jaemin. The fuck? When did you get a tattoo?” Mark questioned when he noticed the black Earth symbol on Jaemin’s wrist.

“Oh. I got it two weeks ago.”

“You were definitely not in the tattoo shop two weeks ago.” Mark said, he thought back on the few weeks and did not remember seeing Jaemin in there at all.

“Well, I wasn’t in a tattoo shop. Renjun did it.” He confessed.

Renjun shot him a glare. Why did he tell them?

“Really? I didn’t even know he did tattooing. That’s so cool. It looks good to be a stick and poke tattoo too, which I assume it is.” 

Jaemin nodded to Mark’s rambling.

“Anyway, enough about that. My turn. Renjun, if you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring three things and people. Who or what would you bring and why?” Jaemin went off the topic fast. Knowing better than to bring it too much attention.

“I would bring you three. We’re going on a damn adventure.”

“Dude, we all suck. We would probably all just die horribly.” Donghyuck laughed.

“At least we die together.” Jaemin added.

“Wow, look at you mister positive.” Renjun sank deeper into his chair and yawned.

“Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s tired?” He stretched his arms and lifted his feet to warm them on the smoking bonfire.

“Nope. Camping is way too social and energy craving. I’m heading to bed or… heading to mattress, would be more correct.” Jaemin stood up and started walking towards the tent. Renjun hit Jaemin’s side when he walked past him. “Bring me and please, do not ever say something like that again.” Renjun reached out with both his hands and grabbed Jaemin’s. The four boys burst out in a tired laugh that died quickly.

“Are you coming too or are you guys staying up a little more?” Jaemin asked as he toyed with Renjun’s hands on his own.

“We’re staying.” Mark commented and returned his attention to Donghyuck.

“Come.” Jaemin pulled on Renjun’s hands and dragged him along.

They crawled into their side of the tent and Renjun fell on the mattress, hugged around a pillow and closed his eyes.

“I’m right here and you take the pillow? I’m hurt.” Jaemin shook his head and laid down beside him, pulling the thick blanket over them both.

Renjun let out a sleepy growl and tossed the pillow away and snuggled into Jaemin. He laid his head against his chest and Jaemin wrapped his hands around the tired boy.

“Yay.” Jaemin cheered in a low voice and kissed the top of his head.

“Night.” Renjun mumbled.

-

“Hey Donghyuck. Now that the other sleepy heads are gone. What do we do?” Mark asked the boy who still chilled in his lap.

“I don’t know. I’m just not tired enough to go to sleep.”

“Do you ever get tired?”

“Not really.” Donghyuck shrugged. “Also, do you think Jaemin actually stole those rings?”

“I know he did. He told me earlier.” Mark responded, he laid his hands over Donghyuck and fiddled with Donghyucks fingers.

“What? For real? How long ago was it?”

“A few days ago.”

“Wait, what the hell? Why?” Donghyuck couldn’t believe what he was being told. It was so out of character for Jaemin, in Donghyuck’s eyes, for him to be stealing. Especially something that expensive.

“Yeah. He didn’t tell me what he was going to do with them but my guess is that it has something to do with Renjun. Those fuckers are near inseparable.” Mark confessed.

“Damn. Jaemin must really like Renjun.” Donghyuck trailed off.

“He probably likes him as much as I like you.” Mark said and looked right into Donghyuck’s beady eyes in the dim lighting. The only source of light being the flames of the bonfire.

“Wait, what? It’s too late, early for this fuckery Mark.” Donghyuck sat up and faced Mark.

“I mean it. I know we joke around and all but the makeout thing, whatever it was we did, in the forest wasn’t just a one-time thing. I wouldn’t let you leave hickies that visible if I didn’t mind or like you. Sure, you’re a big idiot but you have your charms.” Mark smiled sweet.

Donghyuck was taken aback by the sudden confession. He had never in a million years thought that someone like Mark would like his dumb ass back.

“Are you serious?”

Mark laughed, “Yes. Yes I am.”

“Holy shit I’m either dreaming or took something because I must be tripping.” Donghyuck had the goofiest smile on his face.

“Idiot.” Mark slapped his cheek but leaned in and kissed him right after.

Donghyuck put his arms around his neck and one of his hands crept onto Mark’s hair.

“Why the fuck did you take so long tell?” Donghyuck snapped in between kisses.

“Because I’ve known you for many years but I needed to make sure you weren’t a player.”

“Well damn. I hope you like me a lot because after this you won’t ever get rid of me unless you get me a restraining order but like, please don’t.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: none

Renjun’s late message was read almost before it got sent. “I. Need. You. To come over. Right now.”

Jaemin grew worried over the words that were blinding and bright in contrast to his dark room.

“Why? What’s happening?” Jaemin typed a response, questions flying through his head. Why do Renjun need him at 2.30 in the morning? What had happened? Had he done something he regrets or shouldn’t have? Gone back to old habits?

“Please. Just get over here.”

Jaemin shook his head as he read the message, he didn’t bother giving a reply. He hurried and slung on some clothes, not really caring much of his appearance. He put the phone in his back pocket and rushed out the house as quiet as possible, not wanting to wake up and worry his mother at this hour of day. He ran as fast as he could for as long as he was able to, which wasn’t very long in reality. He arrived at the apartment complex and rushed up the stairs. He woke up a few neighbours as he stomped up the old, wooden stairs. The building wasn’t very soundproof so everyone heard pretty much everything if it was a bit louder in volume than talking. The white, ancient looking door flung open almost before his fist reached it to knock.

Renjun’s face lit up and he pulled Jaemin inside.

“What is it? Why do you need me?” Jaemin asked worried as he kicked off his shoes.

Renjun took a deep breath, stared deep into Jaemin’s eyes and uttered a response,

“I need cuddles.”

“You… need cuddles?” Jaemin questioned, disappointed at the ‘problem’ at hand that he had to hassle for at these ungodly hours.

Renjun nodded.

“Please.” He pouted and shot Jaemin his best puppy eyes.

Jaemin gave in, “Fine.”

Renjun grabbed Jaemin’s hand and pulled him towards the bedroom. He plopped down on the bed and Jaemin followed.

“Your hair is cute.” Renjun commented and ran a hand through the soft locks.

“Oh, please. I legit just got out of bed.”

“Only to get in another one.” Renjun stated and chuckled.

“Well, true. It’s definitely worth it though because being with you is always worth it. Even if it’s just to sleep. ‘Cause you know, according to science things, just sleeping and cuddling with someone deepens the connection on a whole new level.” Jaemin propped himself up on his elbows and he raised his eyebrows in a cocky fashion.

“Wow. Watch out we got a smartass over here.” Renjun raised his arms in a defending matter and giggled.

“You wanted cuddles, then why are you all the way over there?” Jaemin raised an eyebrow at Renjun who was sitting cross legged on the other side of the bed. 

Renjun shrugged dramatically.

Jaemin smirked and crawled towards the other boy and got on top off him, pushing him backwards. He chuckled as he straddled a confused Renjun. He lowered his head to let their noses touch. Renjun’s face heated up and turned a familiar shade of red, though barely visible as the dim light of the moon was the only thing illuminating the room.

“Why do you still blush because of me? It’s super cute, not gonna lie. But just, why?” Jaemin lowered his tone, the last word being a whisper.

“I do not know how my body works. You gotta ask the chemicals and particles and the shit doing it ‘cause I’m clueless.”

“Fine. I will.” Jaemin smirked again and leaned down.

Renjun both confused and startled by the actions.

Jaemin hovered his lips over Renjun’s, so close their breath tingled each other’s. He moved again but away from the lips, leaving a disappointed Renjun hanging. Before he got time to complain he felt the side of his neck being attacked in sweet kisses. Renjun took this opportunity to flip them over so now he was the one straddling Jaemin.

“Don’t do that.” Renjun snarked.

“Do what?” Jaemin was confused but the corner of his lips still smirked.

“This.” Renjun copied the action, lingering above Jaemin’s lips just as long as he previously had before moving over and covering his neck in sweet kisses.

Jaemin smiled as he wrapped his arms around the other boy’s slim body. He pushed him to the side and pulled him close. He dragged his fingers through Renjun’s hair.

Renjun smiled and hid his growing blush by looking down and laying his head against the other’s chest.

“I love you.” Jaemin whispered and pecked the top of his head.

“I love you too.” Renjun yawned. He moved to a more comfortable position and snuggled closer to Jaemin.

Jaemin smiled to himself and shifted his arm to prevent it from being crushed while they slept.

“Night.” He mumbled but got no response as Renjun was already fast asleep.

 

\--

 

Renjun woke up by someone shaking his shoulder.

“Hey, psst. Renjun? Hey!”

Renjun just flung an arm in the direction of the voice and it hit right in the voice-source’s face.

“I made you breakfast.”

Renjun’s eyes shot up at the mention of food and was met with a big, bright, toothy smile from Jaemin who sat on the side of the bed. Already fully dressed. Renjun scratched his head and ruffled his hair. “Morning.” He mumbled drowsily.

“Morning idiot. Come, before they get cold.”

Renjun didn’t even have time to protest before two hands grabbed his arms and dragged him out of bed towards the kitchen. As soon as he exited the bedroom he was hit in the face with the strong smell of fresh pancakes.

Jaemin pulled out a chair from the small dining table in front of the window and put the warm stack of pancakes in the middle of the table. He was nervous but tried to hide it.

The both of them dug in to the pancakes and they were all gone too soon.

“Those were so good! Where did you learn that?” Renjun smiled enthusiastically as he expected some average pancakes but was blown away instead.

“My mom, duh.” Jaemin replied sarcastically but laughed at himself right after.

Renjun felt like something was off. Jaemin seemed off. He didn’t know what it was but something didn’t feel like usual.

“You know, uh. The story I told the other day? About the rings?” Jaemin said as he put the dishes in the sink and sat back down across from Renjun.

“…Yeah?” Renjun hesitated with his answer. Where was Jaemin going with this? Renjun felt his nerves and anxiety skyrocket by the second but he had no idea why.

“Well,” Renjun dug after something in his pocket and laid his hand with a closed fist on the table.

“No.” Renjun didn’t know what to feel.

“Yes. Renjun, please. I did it for you.” Jaemin opened the fist and revealed two black but shiny rings. Nothing fancy just plain, black, a bit thick, rings. He looked straight into Renjun’s face as he took one of the matching rings and reached for Renjun’s hand.

Renjun stood up and backed away. His eyes were glistening as he shook his head violently.

Jaemin dropped his reached-out hand to the table and just stared at him. “Why not?”

“Because you stole them! Not only that but they were super fucking expensive? What do you think happens when they notice? I can’t do this. You need to take them back!” Renjun rambled as every feeling he had ever felt came crashing down on him at once.

“Renjun, no. I won’t take them back. They’re ours. One for me. One for you.” Jaemin stood up and approached Renjun.

Renjun backed off once again and shook his head. “No. I love you, I do but this is wrong. Sure, not everything I do is legal either but this is just not right!” He put his head down and concentrated on the patterns of the tiled floor.

“Renjun…” Jaemin reached out a hand and attempted to place it on the other’s shoulder only to get it smacked away.

“Please! It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Not. That. Big. Of a deal?” Renjun raised his voice. Anger he didn’t know existed bursting out like the lava of a volcano.

“Wha—.” Jaemin was taken aback by Renjun’s actions. “Don’t get angry at me, please. I tried to be kind to you.”

“Get out.” Renjun’s voice calm but harsh at the same time.

“Renjun, Calm down.” Jaemin didn’t want to make it a big deal.

“Get out!” Renjun got louder. His temper being way shorter than he was used to.

It scared Jaemin as he had never seen him in such a state before. He didn’t want to ruin everything just because of a couple of rings. He loved Renjun too much for that.

“No. I won’t leave you.” He stood in his place and crossed his arms.

“Get the fuck out!” Renjun screamed, bottled up tears finally streaming down his cheeks. He started pushing Jaemin with his entire body, attempting to shove him towards and hopefully out the door. He couldn’t bear to look at him anymore.

Jaemin didn’t even budge. He grabbed Renjun’s wrists and tried to stop him.

Renjun caught a glimpse of the tattoo he had poked into the boy. It ruined him to realize what it all had gone to.

“Are you fucking deaf? I don’t want to see you.” Renjun spat in a harsh tone.

“Please, don’t do this to me. To us. I love you.” Jaemin said defeated, almost a whisper.

“I am doing this. Now fuck off.” Renjun successfully made him move and got him out his apartment door.

Jaemin opened his mouth to try to protest again but it backfired as he was met with the wooden door slammed right in his face. He could hear sobbing almost to the point of choking on the other side of the door, he just wanted to hold Renjun and tell him it’ll all be okay. But he couldn’t because he was the reason for it all. He cried silently to not attract any attention as he walked out the building and headed to nowhere.

Renjun cried harder than he had ever cried before. It all hurt so much and it was his own fault. He really didn’t need to get that angry, yet he did. Was fully aware of it but he had to explode. He regretted it all as soon as he closed that door. He sobbed until it hurt in his chest, he couldn’t see through the tears. He felt so weak and unstable, he lost balance and fell to the floor. He felt like such a fuck up, literally throwing one of the few things that made him happy, straight out the door. He wanted to open the door and run after Jaemin but he couldn’t. He would look stupid and weak, and he didn’t have the energy or stability to do so either.

Jaemin started running. He ran over the empty road and on the way too familiar gravel path. He looked over the Cornflower fields, he used to love them. The color and smell of them were so comforting. The color seemed so gray and dull at this moment. He hated it. He hated everything. He came to the familiar opening in the woods and sat down on the swing. He was shaking from crying and tried his hardest too calm down. He got quiet and collected himself enough to fiddle out his phone from his pocket. His shaky thumb scrolling through his contacts and finding the name, Mark.

He pressed the call button and brought the shaky hand up to his ear. He took a deep breath as three rings passed. He finally picked up.

“Argh.” Mark made an annoyed noise to clear his throat and to demonstrate how annoying it was to get woken up earlier than needed on a weekend. “What the fuck are you waking me up for so early?”

Jaemin smiled to himself and attempted to laugh but broke out in disturbing sobs instead.

He broke down as he realized how stupid the situation was, yet how much damage it may have caused.

“I’ve done it now, Mark. I’ve fucking done it.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: mentions of selfharm and suicide

“I’ve done it now, Mark. I’ve fucking done it.”

“Wait, what? It’s way too early for this shit. What have you done?”

Mark didn’t understand what was going on. He was drowsy and confused. He sat up in his bed to get more awake. The other side of the line was filled with sobs and cries.

“Jaemin. Jaemin! Calm down okay. Where are you? What’s happening?” Mark grew worried.

“I’m— I’m in the woods by the cornflower fields right now. You know, the place with the old swing.” Jaemin managed to choke out.

“Wha— Why are you there?”

“I don’t know. I just ran here. I didn’t know where to go, I still don’t know where to go.” Jaemin controlled his sobs to some degree but tears were still falling.

“Okay. I’ll come to you. Stay put.” Mark stood up and searched his messy room for some usable clothes.

“Fine.” Jaemin agreed and the line went dead.

Jaemin looked down through clouded eyes and toyed with the two heavy, black rings in the palm of his hand. He sighed. He felt so pathetic. Why did he think promise rings was a smart idea? If he knew Renjun well enough, he would’ve known that he wouldn’t agree to such a childish thing. Maybe that’s the thing? He’s rushing and scaring him away. Ruining it for the both of them. He regretted it all. He regretted even making a move and growing close with Renjun at all. He should just break it off, that’d be the best.

He was too occupied by his negative mind to notice that Mark showed up after a while.

“Wow. You look like zombie that got hit by truck.”

Jaemin’s head shot up, startled by the voice without noticing Mark had arrived. “Thanks, I know.”

“The rings, huh? You still have both I see and you’re a mess. What the hell happened between you two?” Mark leaned against the tree that the swing hung from. Worry visible in his tone and actions.

Jaemin inhaled and exhaled in a deep sigh. “Short version or long version?”

“Well, short with details?” Mark shrugged.

“Uhm, okay.” Jaemin shifted his pose and faced Mark.

“It started with me showing him the rings and he just stood up and backed away. Then he got real angry and loud, it was scary. I’ve never seen him like that and by the looks of it, it didn’t look like he was very used to being that angry either. He threw me out the apartment and I heard him start crying before I just ran out here really.” Jaemin told the story carefully, it hurt to think back at what happened. It was such a little thing yet they made it so destructive.

Mark listened, trying to grasp the situation to find a way to help the two. He didn’t know much but he did know that he had never seen Jaemin that in love before, it was all in the little things but oh, everyone noticed. Mark and Donghyuck especially, noticed it in what they were talking about, it was often the other but still they managed to be very secretive. They could feel it in their chemistry when they were all hanging out. It created a whole aura around them, full of warmth and comfort.

After a few moments of silence, Mark had a reply “From what I see, I think Renjun has dealt with a lot probably? He did move here without his family, there can be a reason for that. He can have internal battles with himself too, that we don’t see. So maybe, he was just stressed about you stealing. His brain seeing it as an excuse to blow over you know, explode. My question though, why are you pressing the rings so much? If you really love the fucker you wouldn’t need rings, would you? It’s not like you’re getting married. Even if it was, the rings themselves shouldn’t be what carries the love.”

Jaemin sat still, processing the advice for a while. “Look at you, wise guy, but you’re right. I agree that ‘the rings don’t carry the love’ or whatever cringe thing you said but at the same time, I want them you know. Promise rings. I won’t tell you the specific reason for Renjun’s because they’re very personal, but mine is that I’ll promise to help him through everything, be there for him through thick and thin, try to learn and understand so I can love him fully without hurting him. Even though that’s what I just did—” Jaemin’s mind sped through all that happened again, for the umpteenth time that morning.

He regretted it all. He made a big mistake. He remembered. “Shit. Mark, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Fuck!” His breath quickened and he stood up, pacing around.

“What? What?” Mark grabbed his shoulders to hold him still.

“Renjun. He’s— He’s struggling. His mind is negative and scary. He said he wanted to and tried to kill himself in the past. He said he was fine, but he relapsed and self-harmed even after he moved here. I- I could have triggered something. You never know what he thinks. I’m so worried. What if he kills himself? What if he kills himself because of me? That means I killed him. Oh my god.” Jaemin sat back down and tried to control his breath, his mind clouding with nothing but bad outcomes.

“Ok. Breathe. Jaemin, breathe. I know that can be scary but he won’t kill himself because of that. Sure, you had a big fight but it was over a small thing. That can’t be THAT triggering, can it? I mean, I don’t know ‘cause I’ve never dealt with depression or such thoughts. Just give him some space. I think that’s what the both of you need right now. I’ll call Donghyuck to make him check up on Renjun later, okay? It’ll all be okay. Calm down.” Mark hurried his talk as he noticed Jaemin’s eyes watering again. He walked over to him and wrapped him in a tight hug which was returned by strong, desperate fingers gripping around his back.

“I’m scared to give him space. I want to protect and help him you know? But you have a point.” Jaemin dried his tears when he was sure they had finally stopped, this time at least.

 

\--

 

Renjun let out a groan of pain as he woke up, his body stiff from sleeping on the floor. His face was dry from tears, reminding him of the events that took place the day before. He expected the pain in his heart and head to hit him just as hard as it had yesterday but nothing came. He laid still on the floor as he felt heavy. He didn’t really feel much but the little he did, was emptiness. He should be used to it as he had no one to be close to before he moved here, he just returned to the old days. Yet, Renjun was in pain and it was no one’s but his own fault. For letting his anger take over, control him and ruin everything that he had built up.

Renjun needed to distract himself from his mind, he was sad but he did not want to return to the state he was before moving here. He tried to put on music but the music that played, brought back memories. ‘Kiss from a rose’ came on and he screamed as he unplugged the entire stereo, shutting it all up. He felt exhausted, even though he hadn’t done anything. His stomach rumbled throughout the day but he didn’t bother finding food, there was no need. He went to bed and slept for longer than usual. The second day he tried to get back into art after a while, he used to draw his sadness, depression, anger to cope with it, nothing helped. It only made him realize how untalented he was and he just wanted to burn everything he had ever created and every tool he had to create with. He felt the familiar feeling of being worthless.

He realized he had work in a couple hours and decided to skip sleep, he watched a movie before throwing on his uniform and heading out. Not bothering to check how he looked, not bothering to put on his beloved denim jacket.

He arrived at the warehouse and gave half-hearted smiles to the colleagues he passed. Donghyuck was already in their section, leaned over a paper, nibbling on a pen in his mouth as he tried to sort all the new deliveries. He heard Renjun’s stepped and jumped to greet him. He quickly noticed the shift in his aura and stopped himself.

“Don’t.” Renjun spat before Donghyuck got time to even think of a comment.

Donghyuck being his curious but caring self wouldn’t stop asking about what had happened. Sprinkling in reasons for Renjun to tell him into everything he did. Renjun grew annoyed and eventually told him a straight forward summary.

“I assume you know about the rings.” Donghyuck nodded to Renjun’s start and nodded again to make him go on. “Yeah, I didn’t accept them. Instead I snapped in anger I didn’t know I was capable of—” Renjun paused his explanation, attempting to hold back the threatening tears but failing, so he continued. “I regret it. I scared him away. I fucking hate myself for it.”

“Can’t you two just meet up and talk it out? The problem itself isn’t that big, just the rings. Your reactions are the fucking source of this hellfire.” Donghyuck commented, not being very good at advice or understanding the situation fully.

Renjun froze at the thought. How Renjun longed for Jaemin’s touch, his presence, just seeing him. Talking to him, loving him and hugging him. He knew he loved him, more than he had ever loved anyone or ever will. His stubborn self was in denial, he fucked up so he needed to punish himself for it.

“No.”

“And why the hell not?”

“Because that’s just stupid.” For a lack of better words and reason, Renjun mentally facepalmed at his own sentence.

“Okay then. Help me here, will you?” Donghyuck shrugged off the entire topic and went back to work before their stern boss noticed anything. They had been caught playing around a few times already and their boss did not like it.

For Renjun, the day passed so slow. Monday’s are always slow but this one was horrible. He just wanted to go home and be alone, consume himself in his own miserableness.

“Any plans for today?” Renjun attempted small talk with Donghyuck as they were closing up for the day.

“Just going out with Mark, you?”

Renjun hadn’t thought about needing to answer his own question.

“Uh, I guess I’ll just hang myself or something.” He mumbled without thought.

Donghyuck chuckled before leaving.

 

\--

 

Donghyuck met up with Mark at the diner later in the evening. They had a meal and were on desserts. “Uh, Donghyuck. Was Renjun at work today?” Mark felt bad for forgetting to ask Donghhyuck to check up on Renjun two days ago. No one had heard from the boy since, except, hopefully Donghyuck.

“Yeah, he was. He was a bit strange though. He looked dead and he had no energy. Like he was both sleep deprived and hadn’t eaten in way too long.” Donghyuck reflected as he thought back.

“Shit. Did he say anything? Tell you what happened?” Mark questioned.

“Yeah, briefly. I feel bad for him. He blames everything on himself. I mean, it kind off is his fault for snapping like that but come on?”

“Yeah, no. I think it was both their fault. Jaemin could have stopped pressing the rings on him earlier too, you know.” Mark munched on a scoop of ice cream.

Donghyuck nodded in agreement, “You right. You right.”

“Did he say anything? Anything, suspicious?”

Donghyuck shook his head. “Not that I remember. Only ‘I fucking hate myself.’ I think.”

“Okay.” Mark nodded and moved on from the topic, it wasn’t really their business but it was affecting them and their closest friends so they felt the need to talk about it. To help the lost boys.

The boys finished eating and payed for themselves and continued their unannounced date. They decided to go to the arcade for a lack of better ideas. They competed in games and won plushies for each other until closing time. They held hands as they walked home. Mark leaned in for a peck on Donghyuck’s cheek but Donghyuck turned his head quickly so it landed right on the lips.

“You idiot.” Mark chuckled but returned it with a deeper kiss.

They parted ways and were both in bed at two in the morning. Donghyuck had closed his eyes, ready for sleep when he remembered.

“Holy fuck.” He whispered to himself and rushed up. He scrambled his floor for his phone that he had forgotten in the pocket of his pants.

He found it and dialed Mark’s number, calling it.

“What?” A drowsy tone in Mark’s voice as he picked up.

“I remembered something from earlier. Something that Renjun said.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. When we were leaving he asked me what I was doing and I said, meeting you. So of course, since I’m a decent human being I returned the question.” He spoke in a breathy tone, speaking fast to get everything out in one breath.

“And? What did he say?”

“ ‘I guess I’ll just hang myself or something.’”

Mark gasped, he sat up in his bed.

“Are you fucking serious? And you remember that NOW?”

“Sorry?” Donghyuck felt bad, he didn’t realize it was that big of a deal. He didn’t find it suspicious until he was mindlessly thinking about it before sleeping.

“I need to call Jaemin. Bye.”

“By-.” The line went dead.

Mark paced around his room, waiting for Jaemin to pick up. After a second call and three rings, he did.

“Jaemin! Fucking shit you need to call Renjun, like right now. And if he doesn’t pick up, you head right to his place. Text me if he doesn’t pick up.”

“Wha— What? Why now? At 2.30?” Jaemin had been sleeping, it was clear in the rasp of his tone.

“Because today, at work, Donghyuck asked Renjun what he was doing later today and Renjun answered ‘Hang myself or something’, Lord knows what the fuck he could be doing or has done.”

Jaemin froze. His worst fear. He threw his phone on his bed and rushed out the house, ignoring if he made noise and woke up his mother and family. He ran as fast as he could to Renjun’s apartment.


End file.
